Zombies, consumers, conservatives, christians...

I find an incredible amount of similarities between those four things, the CDC had a secretly serious message, disguised as a joke for us: Zombies are already here.  So while you sit there and wonder: are there really zombies (or will I be raptured on Saturday)? I'll sit back and watch as the other three eat our collective brains.  Slowly.  As they have been doing, and will continue to do.

~Nic

You can stop asking me

No, I don't "believe" the world will end on Saturday.  I also don't "not believe" the world will end on Saturday.  A stupid reader would say: "so you're on the fence", and observant reader would note: "so you choose to not even acknowledge it".

Here's a hypothetical conversation with an imaginary reader

Reader "But what if you're wrong"
Me "about what?"
Reader "Judgement day"
Me "Well, what if I am wrong about there not being a colony of smurfs on the sun?"
Reader "That's ridiculous" 
Me "."

Q.E.D.

~Nic

Oh please.

From today's Strib readers write:

"Is it genuine bigotry to believe that a child needs a father and a mother?"

Yes in short.. and when you use what amounts to mobs to try enforce this legally, Yes.

"Is it mean-spirited to believe that the legal institution of marriage is far more about children's and society's ultimate needs than it is about the emotions and desires of the wedded adults?"

No, that's just plain stupid.  And to make it worse, you know it.  The "one mother, one father" thing only makes sense if you subscribe to a host of other utterly nonsensical bullshit.  Let me ask this in my own snarky bigoted way:

If having a mother and a father is the only way a child should be raised, why aren't we making an amendment to take children away from single parents, to make divorce illegal, and require a license to breed?  Oh right, because no one would fucking put up with that bullshit.  The argument is old already, but I will regurgitate it: If we put other civil rights up for votes, they would lose.  And the big one: If we had a constitutional amendment vote on banning "protests at military funerals" it would probably pass.  We live in a representative democracy to PROTECT the minority from the tyranny of the majority.  The minority is never really a tyrant, it's just that the majority is a bunch of babies. 

I get it: you don't like LGBT people.  It's not really cool to say it anymore, but you can still try to at least keep them down.  It's a good thing that people still die -- after a long life of course -- otherwise, ideas would never get a chance to progress.

Remember when you're out there screaming your hate for this ungodly thing, or that unchristian whatever:

We look about us, on the streets and in the subways, and discover that we are beautiful because we are mortal, priceless because we are so rare in the universe and so fleeting. Whatever we are, whatever we make of ourselves, is all we will ever have--and that, in its profound simplicity, is the meaning of life. 

-Phillip Appleman originally quoted here

~Nic

I like it when you waterboard me like that, baby!

By the time I get to writing anything, millions of people already have written far better things on the subjects I attack.  But this has never stopped me before, so:

Torture is a bad thing.

This isn't failsafe, but a good way to judge whether something is, generically "good" or "bad" is to do the would-I-want-that-shit-to-happen-to-me test.  Torture fails, and pretty much across the board.  The amount of good intelligence gathered from torturing someone is absolutely beside the point.  Again, we're asking the wrong fucking question.  Who cares if "torture led to Bin Laden"?  But to fall prey to another rhetorical seduction, I'll explore it a tiny bit.

Not all intel gathered from torture can be bad:
This fails the bullshit test.  If this is true, than SOME of the people tortured in the dark ages MUST have been flying around on brooms..  Or maybe it's that the only real use of torture is to force someone to admit something the torturer already knows (before these people were tortured into "admitting" whateverthefuck crazy shit they were admitting, the torturer had already decided they were guilty, and the 'crime' was quite specific).  If the torturer doesn't know exactly what information is to be gathered, then there's no real way to detect lie vs. reality.  Quick example:

Joe Patriot: "Tell me where Usama is, or I'll smash your balls!"
Freedom Hater: "No, Never!"

Joe Patriot: "I am serious, I will smash your balls, but I've got to work my way to your freedom hating seed from your freedom hating fingers!"
Freedom Hater: "OK OK, He's in Pennsylvania"

Joe Patriot: "You're lying!  I know he can't be in Pennsylvania!"
Freedom Hater: "You're right, he's in the big house just outside of Khan Abu ar Rayat, near 'highway' 12 in Iraq!" (Randomly zoomed in on a spot with google maps).
Joe Patriot: "Thanks you piece of shit!"

Now, Mr. Hater has bought himself some time, and can easily work his way out of the lie (Doesn't matter if it's a lie, or if it's just completely random) with statements such as "He must have moved" (I mean, who could argue with that?  It's highly plausible that living things that are not plants would move).

Now if Mr. Patriot already KNOWS where Bin Laden is hiding, and already knows that Mr. Hater ALSO knows (heh), he can successfully torture him for that information, but this is completely stupid, and by any rational standard can be considered a fucking terrible thing to do.

The REAL purpose of torture is, has always been and will always be to exact some kind of personal revenge, or to pacify some kind of bloodlust.  Neither of these have a place in any modern society.  Plus: what's the point of making pro-human laws if you only arbitrarily follow them?  (This argument also does well with god-miracles vs. reality).

~Nic

**Edit: the spaces in the dialog used less than and greater than < > but I forgot to use HTML elements (GOOGLE: FUCKING FIX THAT!) so they're gone, but use your torturous imagination.

"Roswell that ends well"

Obama at the Correspondents Dinner:

No one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than "the Donald"  and that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like did we fake the moon landing, what really happened in Roswell, and where are Biggy and Tupac?

Seth Meyers at the Correspondents Dinner:

Donald Trump often talks about running as a Republican, which is surprising, I just assumed he was running as a joke.

hehehehe

~Nic

P.S. The title is stolen from a Futurama episode specifically.

Gay Marriage

This is infuriating.  It's been in the making for a while.  I'm really here to comment on idiotic politicians and clergy (from that article):

Such marriages run counter to "the intent of Almighty God," said the Rev. Tom Parrish, pastor of Hope Lutheran Church in Minneapolis. "I've sat at the bedside of many [dying] gay men. I deeply love them, but I deeply disagree with them."

What exactly do you disagree with, Tom? Do you disagree with their gayness?  If so I disagree with your hair.  How stupid! 

The Rev. Bob Battle, pastor of Berean Church in the shadow of the Capitol, also said gay marriage runs counter to the Adam and Eve creation story in Genesis. A longtime politically conservative civil rights leader, he added that, "I don't think this has anything to do with civil rights."

According to the dictionary:

civil rights

pl.n.

The rights belonging to an individual by virtue of citizenship, especially the fundamental freedoms and privileges guaranteed by the 13th and 14th Amendments to the U.S. Constitution and by subsequent acts of Congress, including civil liberties, due process, equal protection of the laws, and freedom from discrimination.

So apparently it DOES have to do with civil rights, Bob.   By definition. "[. . .]and freedom from discrimination"

"We should give this to the public to decide," Limmer said.
"This is the time for Minnesota to have this public dialogue."

 So can we have your paychecks back, since you're offloading your work onto the ballot?  Hint: This is a constitutional republic, not a direct democracy.  One of the main goals of our system of government is to protect the minority from the fucking mob of people against it.


Seriously you homophobes, go fuck yourselves.

~Nic

Burqanstocks

So I was reminded tonight of the French ban on the Burqa (among other religious garb).  This has annoyed me since I found out about it.  The law is just as repressive as the symbolism it seeks to destroy.  I am not a religious scholar in any sense, so I won't pretend I am able to delve into what the Burqa means or symbolizes.  I do know that in the defense of civil liberties, any and all garments (try me) should be allowed, provided full consent of the 'wearer'.  This is the same civil liberty stance that has put me in awkward positions such as supporting Fred Phelps and his ridiculous crusade against homosexuality.

Speaking of homosexuality, I am reminded of my liberal cohorts who have been seduced into answering the 'timeless' question of whether or not homosexuality (among other things) is "genetic" or "natural" or if it's "programmed" by culture.  That's a stupid question.  Stop answering, it doesn't matter.  Let's say it's programmed (like religion): people have, in this country (supposedly) the autonomy to believe, think, and do whatever they want (this is obviously arguable, but only because we tolerate the closed minded who in turn tolerate nothing.. true liberalism).  If someone were to choose to be gay, that's their right.. a civil liberty.  If someone were born gay, it is their right to 'be' as gay as they please (don't read into that).. also a civil liberty.  The answer is the same, so long as you ask the right question: Why should someone be denied the right to do whateverthefuck they want so long as no person is hurt (against their will), and no (sacred) property is hurt.  I could go on for pages and pages, but I'll stop here.

The more you try to police people into thinking like you do (regardless of intent), the more resistance you will find.  It's almost as if we're "programmed" that way.

~Nic